Lately I've felt out of this body. I feel like it is not mine. I feel like I should get out of it, and just be myself. I wish I could. I wish I could be free. Because my body does not show the real me.

That has been my problem all along, I think. I've always felt different. I've always felt that people, looking at my body, never see the real me. Because even though I do not know who the real me is, I know it is not who everybody sees.

I've always felt little inside. I'm 18, but I haven't grown up since I turned 12. I didn't grow up, but my body did. I tried to make it little again, but that just didn't work. And now it's 18 again. I am still 12, though. See how I separate my body from myself? I am not my body. My body is not me. Is that the problem people with eating disorders have?? That they don't feel their body and soul as one?

So after 6 years of trying to make my body a part of me, I've just given up. I'm someone else. My body is something different from who I am. I really wish I could get out of it. Because I'm tired of people looking at me, and not being able to see me.

Maybe the day my body becomes a part of me, or I become a part of my body (if it is possible to change who I am to fit in my body) all these feelings of inadequacy will go away.

But this makes me think about something else: Will I ever be able to change who I am to fit in my body?? Changing my body to fit in me didn't work out. It hurt me. So now, should I change me instead of my body?

I just want to get out of here.

-chilindrina

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