It's strange to think that there are even questions about what's right about this kind of thing. Situation. It seems obviously unhealthy, obviously destructive, to body and mind. It seems unnatractive. But its so unusual. Let me try to stop sounding pretty. I knew a bunch of girls who seemed like they were doing it to be fashionable. Maybe they weren't and it was just the whole insensitivity thing happening. It seemed like competition, almost, who could find the most things wrong with them, not even only with the body, but how dumb they were, or mean, or flaky or any problem. It seemed like the pop thing was to be the worst, to not be proud, to not be happy, to be a victim, but not let anyone feel sorry for you. It's like, they'd complain about these things, but whatever sympathy came with them was unwelcomed. Any contradiction was met with sarcasm or scorn. Then they'd acknowledge that they had a problem, but they wouldn't change, and they wouldn't accept help, or sympathy, they'd want to fight it out themselves but they would'nt fight it!

Are you frustrated yet? It was frustrating for me. They were all decent people. Not perfect, of course, and it didn't seem like they wanted to be, even though they also seemed like they did want to be. It's the seeming that's the whole problem.

It's not even just eating, or not eating for that matter. The cutting too, or isolation, or crying in the bathroom. Seeing "i hate myself" carved into girls' legs and arms. Others maliciously saying that they only wanted to grab attention. That may have been true, of course, but then perhaps they really needed it. They continued doing it when they got it, but perhaps they needed the right kind. It all seems very complicated. Most of them grew out of it at the end of eight grade. Some of them took longer. Some of them, it turned out, had chemical problems, clinical depression, etcetera.

You mentioned it not being in girls alone. I haven't read a lot of proof of that, but I've seen it. My cousins, one is about 10 and the other is 8. Two little boys. The 10 year old is a little thick. The 8 year old doesnt have much of an appetite, and when he does it is selective, extremely. One day the 8 year old asks the 10 year old: "Does it hurt to be fat?" Doesn't that just blow your mind? So it seems clear then, maybe its the hurt. There's a number of the chubbier school that are pretty damn contented about the way things are. So then, it's the hurt, not the weight.

This might seem obvious, but sometimes I need to analyze the bejebus out of things. It works though. One summer I decided I shouldn't cry ever, so instead of crying when I was upset (and I was upset a lot that summer) I'd store it inside and then when the time was right, throw it up. I stopped after a while, actually rationalizing that it was probably just a bit healthier to cry than to throw up when you're upset. It's a pretty natural thing, you do it from birth. But you also try to eat when you're hungry, from birth, and some people don't hold on to that.

I think that's all, it probably didn't go anywhere, but it sure seemed to take up a lot of space in my head.

-fairybtch

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