hi- i'm not sure exactly what i want to say, but i know i want to say something. i have been up and down my whole life stuggling with eds. i'm not sure when it all started, but i can remember thinking as a child "if i could only be perfect, then everyone will love me". the image of perfect changed some over time- but one thing was always constant. smaller= better. smaller= prettier. smaller= love. i didn't restrict my food as a child, nor did i purge. i just wanted to be what i wasn't (in my eyes). i wasn't perfect. i wasn't enough. funny that to be "enough" i needed to be less. it was a horrible feeling. still is, but at least now i'm an adult and i know what's going on. i started restricting and starving full-time when i was 17. before that- i would go a couple days, and then go back to normal eating. at 17 i was eating diet pills like candy, smoking 3 packs of cigs a day, and drinking soda like i was breathing air. i lost alot of weight. i was never and have never been "diagnosed" and i've never been what i would consider dangerously thin. my lowest weight was [#] lbs when i was 21. then i got pregnant. gained [#] lbs, got back down to [#]. got pregnant again, and gained [#] lbs. after my 2nd child, i was down to [#] by the time she was 3 months old. last summer- i was around [#]. right now- i'm at a healthy weight. it hurts me to see my weight. i want to cry everyday. but i am trying to be healthy for my kids. everyday i struggle with eating and wanting to purge. the bad, ed voices are so loud. and when my family tells me i look "healthy" it hurts. i'm still desperate to be perfect. and, just for the record- i do not think that eds are in anyway a lifestyle. not even close. i mean, yes after many (many) years it may feel like one, because it's all you know. but there seems to be a lot of pro-anorexia sites that promote this as some sort of great lifestyle, a superior lifestyle. well, it's not. what i wouldn't give to feel happy and comfortable with myself, even just for a day! i do visit pro-ed sites, but the members are all adults- 21 or over. we are not recruiting anyone, we just understand. and i do belong to a diary ring that is pro also, but i have left it alone since most of the entries i read were from young girls. who- i know struggle as well, but i just can't get involved there. pretty much because i want them to get help, but i'm not the one to do so. ok- i'm really sorry for my ramblings. i guess i had alot to say- i just hope it made sense! lol

-mookers

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