I've never had an eating disorder. Sure, I've thought about it a lot, especially after getting fat in the past year. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Growing up, I was always thin. I never had to worry about what I ate going to my hips or calorie-counting. I saved that for my friends, who were obsessed with "healthy eating" to save their "girlish figures". In high school, I was a healthy dress size [#] for being 5'4''. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce. I felt invincible.

That all changed when I got to college. I put on the infamous "Freshman Ten". That didn't bother me so much, though. It wasn't until I was in the hospital after my suicide attempt that I noticed I was gaining weight. I remember weighing myself towards the end of my stay (which was only about a week), thinking, "How did I manage to gain [#] pounds in 1 week?" The answer: medication that lowered my metabolism while upping my appetite. And let me tell you, my appetite became pretty hearty after I got home. And it still is to this day.

Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a disgusting figure of what was once beautiful. I've gone from the pretty size [#] to a horrendous [#]/[#]. I hate looking at my body now. But I feel like there's nothing I can do. I've watched TV shows and read countless material about eating disorders, and in an odd way I almost envy them for being able to control their appetite. But then I stop and realize how foolish and vicious the whole cycle is. I'm getting married this weekend, and no matter how much I complain about my weight, my fiance assures me that he thinks I'm gorgeous just the way I am. I wish I could say I feel the same.

But the biggest thing for me is: how can I feel good about the person I've become inside when I hate looking at how I look on the outside? I've made significant change in the past year. I've grown dramatically as a person. Yet I can't help but feel like this fat body isn't really mine. It always seems like no matter how much good there is, something bad coincides. I guess that's just the way life is.

I wish I were motivated enough to make myself work out at the gym. But I'm always too busy or too tired. And my appetite's out of control. I'm seriously considering buying an appetite suppressant just so I'm not always hungry. The last thing I need is to look more disgusting in my wedding dress than I already do.

Maybe I do have an eating disorder, after all. I may not starve myself or throw up my dinner, but I feel like I can't stop eating, no matter how hard I try. I just want the hunger to stop. It's taking over my life. And I wish society didn't pressure women to be a size 0. That's not a healthy weight for anyone to be, in my opinion.

Hopefully someone will hear my cry and tell me how to overcome this, just like the night of my suicide attempt. I just don't want the call to be as drastic as that. If anyone's healthily overcome overeating, I'm willing to hear your story so it may inspire me to do the same. Thank you, and gods bless.

*krie* (bildschoen.diaryland.com)

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